During a trip to Maine’s Acadia National Park, I decided to do a little bouldering. I brought one of the new Petzl pads from the office—it’s a standard mid-sized pad in outward appearance, but it’s also bright orange and emblazoned with a sizable Petzl logo. Its highly visible color scheme might have factored into the onslaught of questions with which passing tourists pelted me, most of them a variation of What’s that thing on your back?
I’ve bouldered for 20 years now and have been asked this question hundreds of times, so I probably shouldn’t be surprised when yet another stranger stops to gape at my admittedly Spongebob-like form… but I am. Every time I try to answer, I feel myself getting frustrated. Invariably, the curious person’s face grows more, not less, confused as I offer my explanation:
“Excuse me, but what is that thing on your back?” Asks the well-meaning passerby.
“It’s a pad. We put it on the ground when we’re rock climbing,” I’ll say.
“Oh, so you use it instead of a rope?”
“Not really. We’re climbing really short rocks, so when we fall, we just fall on the pads.”
“Oh, that sounds dangerous.”
“It’s not really dangerous. We’re usually only five or 10 feet off the ground…”
“So you’re practicing for bigger climbs, then?”
By this time, the futility of the conversation has started to sink in. To explain the intricacies of the various types of climbing is a surprisingly complex endeavor. Believe it or not, the differences between gym climbing, bouldering, sport climbing, trad cragging, ice climbing, big walling, and alpinism aren’t widely known or even intuitively grasped by the layperson. For most, the Alex Honnold profile on 60 Minutes and maybe the movie Vertical Limit comprise their only climbing reference points.
In an effort to shorten the length of such trail encounters, my friends and I have devised a list of short responses that, while patently false, might offer enough of an explanation (or create sufficient bewilderment) to allow us to plod on towards our little projects on little rocks. Following are 10 favorites (but I’d love it if you’d offer your own in the comments section)…
What’s That Thing on Your Back? 10 Answers:
- A portable massage table.
- Folded up hang glider—we’re hiking up to the top of this hill to jump off and fly back down.
- It’s just a big backpack. I like to have my bases covered while out on a hike.
- A sleeping mat for camping. Way more comfortable than those little roll-up ones!
- We’re training for the world stair-climbing championships, and walking trails with unwieldy 200-pound squares on our back has been shown to be the most effective way to improve quad and glute strength.
- It’s a parachute; I’m a BASE jumper!
- This a pad for climbing. We wear them on our backs while we climb big cliffs. If we fall, we try to lean back and land pad-first, so we don’t get hurt.
- Oh, these? These are components of a large robot, which my friends and I will assemble when we get out far enough into the woods.
- It’s a dog bed… hey, where is my dog? Oh damn, she was here a minute ago! Peaches! Where are you Peaches?!
- This is a trail rickshaw seat. For 20 bucks, I’ll give you a ride to the next viewpoint. Hop on!